Struggling to find joy in your relationship? This can help!

Thursday, August 24th

Has your romantic relationship lost its spark? Are you constantly fighting with your partner? Do you feel a lot of resentment and anger? There is help! Join host Elizabeth Kay in this podcast where she talks with Milwaukee professional relationship counselor, Patrick Schultz, about the 10 ways to get that spark back in your relationship.

To contact Patrick Schultz, just visit the website


Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

It's Elizabeth K and other podcast here with fifty shades of Cain and today it's gonna be about relationships and how to get the spark back in your relationship. I'm joined the Patrick Schultz who's a licensed professional counselor with Milwaukee counselor dot com if you reach out to Patrick. And Hatcher at US and the morning show which is how you reached out to me on FaceBook to kind of bring up this idea of let's sit down and talk about how to help people and their relationships. I do yeah I listen to the radio show every morning I'm going into work just gives me a way to kind of relax a little bit and you know before as a talking to people so on I'm sure you hear a lot of the relationship situations we do on the morning show and EU as a professional. Are likely in your car. Listening to these situations and on my guys this morning show has it all wrong you're giving them the wrong advice is listeners are giving them the wrong advice as we do a lot people Massa just. Constantly. Because they kind of want the platform a public opinion who is normally knows the people involved personally so that's what they bring these relationship problems I feel like to rise. And do you find that when you listen to the show are we getting really bad advice. Usually don't usually a lot of its common sense but you know there's times that I can you know I have some ideas in my own that would be would be helpful or what Al so. Sometimes I can scream into my steering wheel a few times but I. If I ever before we get into your last year of attentive to get your relationship spark back you're married you have a young child. Do you analyze your wife and in your marriage do you sit down at the table and say well honey you know I write in the book value really should be listening to be more. You know that's I should question I get a lot no. Once I'm done with work for the day in my there us tag goes off and I am husband I am dad I am just Patrick that's what I do when I get home so. That's great well Patrick let's start with Melissa tier and it's fantastic to me great suggestions here. So let's start with the number one sorry take time for you all that sounds kind of counter intuitive you know you're trying to get the relationships are back with your partner but. Adulthood is just it's Sox. I'm really get pulled in a million different directions we have yes we have work. Bills everything else and then the last thing we wanna do when we get home at the end of the day is spend more time with our partner and have to talk more and do this stuff so what I encourage all of my currently my couples counseling clients to do is take time for themselves 10152030. Minutes a day just doing something that you enjoy that you wanted to do. Is a great way to connect with yourself which in turn puts you in a better position to be able to connect with this house. And then you feel like you're at a better place exactly and for what about people that say I don't have Tony extra minutes in did you hear a lot with their busy but the kids in their jobs. What do you say to those kind of people that just our resistance and I don't I don't have that time. I say that's absolute nonsense he can find ten minutes a day confined fifteen minutes a day where you can just do something for you. They can be as simple as taking a bath you know spending ten minutes is watching you know your favorite TV show. Going for a walk you can carve out ten minutes out of the data do anything for you and you think about phones and stuff like that how much are people spending on her phone to call it canceled and that doesn't fulfill you maybe eliminate all of us that scroll time and maybe that'll help step and that actually brings a perfectly into my next came. At number she put a link that technology that I swear that wasn't planned I can put alien attack. IG yet we are attached to our phones we are attached to computers 24 hours a day seven days a week that is one of the biggest things in the bedroom in any aspect of her relationships I can get in the way. Put down the phone put away the computer and just connect to spend time talking playing games doing whatever it is he can. I like to as soon as I'm home my phone goes away I like to spend time with my wife just kind of hang out with her hang out my son that's what we like to do yeah to be a big big help. Well and I find that that often and this just happen to us on vacation. My stepson at my husband and myself we all had our phones and our taking the a picture of the same thing man looked at all three of us and I thought. This is kind of messed up are any of us actually looking and act. App this or we just in a picture of this right and I sort of semi okay we need to have. Be it changes and shifts that one person taking the picture that we're not all doing this in yes we have different perspective I suppose. And we did get some cool pictures by all the taking the same photo the same thing but it didn't make it simpler president that time. Right now absolutely it's very true I mean again like we're we're attached to our phones we take pictures we checked FaceBook we email we do everything there. And we sometimes just missed out on the basic connections have been people yeah you're a line I was listening to a Google exact. Talking about online he said we don't call online nowadays we live online absolutely so OK let her daughter to put away the technology. I like numbers three year Patrick have date nights once you get married or once you're in a committed relationship you kind of lose the lose that falling in love peace with that person you kind of lose the I have to win them over at the trying gain their attention. And we just kind of goal modern day to day lives and we forget that you know it can be fun to connect on a different level going on every once in awhile. So you know if you have kids get a babysitters get Stanley get neighbors friends that can watch the kids for a couple of hours at least once a month. Were you in your to your spouse can get out there and go do something for you. Go to a bar go do some painting classes go for a walk just connect on an adult level again yeah it is your far more than just mom and dad and worker in house cleaner and all that stuff I mean you are people and lovers at the same time. Yeah I could you start to take on that role of you just look at them as sort of co parent that can happen a lot. There was a listener that was kind of going through this not having time for days and she was a pretty tough spot with her husband and I remember her sane. I have money for baby setter that was a thing and the money for baby sitter a woman called in. Instead in her neighborhood and she was offering advice here in her neighborhood where people say they don't have money for babysitters. The trade tying him that there'll be one mom that will babysit you could say someone else's kids for free but then turn that mom watches her kids for free. And I thought that was a really good piece of advice from a listener to suggest that it doesn't have to be monetary maybe. You are really good at the eighteenth say hey I'll make your family a meal. If you watch my kids are you know some kind of let's go old school and do trade or something like that. In the house that she'd be my suggestion is find a way to you know to trade off with somebody you know watch their kids for awhile take them out. Little things like that to help becoming get around some those obstacles can be awesome yes and number four in the power of touch. And again this kind of high or low yes. This guy ties beckoned everything else we've been talking about I mean we are so connected to. Everything and anything that we do you know we get home we got to make dinner we got a clean house take care laundry all that stuff. And we put the kids down to bat and then the last thing you know you put your head on the pillow and you fall asleep in your waking up and do it all over again so. Spending time to be really diligent. And touching your partner I mean holding hands little peck on the cheek coddling on the college little things like that often get mr. overlook us were so busy all the time. One I think sometimes about how old when you're in of a relationship. And yes I know you need touching you you know she's in love your kids obviously that a faction is different than what is gonna be with your lover right course. You think about it that is the only person on this planet in most cases. That is giving you that touch and vice Versa from him and if you go wild with all that kind of like a touch like he said he even just a kiss on the cheek which again is. Different from a spouse than it is from a child right or you all from a from a parent or sibling or what have you. You do like you're missing something I feel like we we crave that tots and so yeah you get so busy wrapped up and things. You start to forget about it didn't and then you creek eating habits up and then they're really really hard to break. Number five talk to your partner. I have no problem talking to set that money dark and the listening it hasn't catalog that I actually said that on the record but yeah that's a that the truth so talked to your partner. Yeah I again that's another one that you know we talk to that our partners and our significant others every single day. But it's almost always about you know what are we gonna make for dinner what are you gonna do with the kids this weekend. You know how are we gonna take care of the chores this is what we got to do we have to budget for this. And we don't just take the time to actually connect onsite a great tool that they get a lot of my my clients is. You know maybe spend ten minutes over dinner talking about a completely unrelated topic or something that you heard on the news that day in giving you guys a chance to actually just practice talking about something not house related and not bill related. People have. To relieve retrain themselves for that. This relationship I'm in with my husband having a stepson and the schedules are always changing and we split time with my stepson mom and there's activities and things like that you can. I have to tell you that there are times I feel like all we do is talk about it. I called the administrative stuff. That's always the Dolly dual brand you're right that it it's about maybe there's a song on and you say hey did you hear about that music artist then. What they did on vacation blah blah whatever that may be because you do get wrapped up in the the money talk and the what is the grass gonna get cut in all of all of that stuff I mean and the becoming sort of business like oh absolutely and I think about couples sold at a been married for are really really long time. How did daybreak those kinds of habits. I've been very purposeful I mean really. Realizing and being able to admit you know we had a problem we got something that isn't isn't going well. So if one spouse is recognizing that there's an issue Hume it's very likely that there is in you don't really spend time to kind of come up with a game plan of what you're gonna do every single day to try and change the relationship and change the bad habits he hasn't gotten into. And that's not you know saying that you're marriages now doomed and that is never gonna get out again. But it's just being aware that you don't you guys have gotten into a rut and it's time to work on and make its make it different. This is a great stop Patrick odd number six focus on the little things season. Yeah focusing on the little things you know we again being really fast pace we tend to do is jump from one activity the next and never released you know slow down and noticed things around us. And that holds true with our spouses all the time. Picking up the dishes after after dinner and unloading the dishwasher you know throwing a load laundry and before you go to bed it's the little things that are you know the data they mundane tasks but. Really paying attention to what your spouse does that in being able to acknowledge and say you know hey thanks honey for doing that I really appreciate it. Can go a long way ensuring that your paying attention you care about those things and. Someone that my love language is public service and in deeds and things like that. I love my husband makes the bat I leave work very early so she still sleeping when I leave and when I come home for work in the afternoon and I see the beds made a lot and text and thank you for making the bed. Or what night you know the dishes thanks Alina dishwasher he'll joke sometimes and say let's that's my job it's my house to. But I have to remind a lot of like but I love when you do that stopping him because it shows that you value of my time so I don't have to spend the time to do it. And didn't people's love languages I think is a hole in a podcasting yet I should do is that. I've learning having been married before and divorced now remarried that it is a lot about figuring out how to speak to that person what is their love language so you agree that all important for people. It absolutely is and everybody assumes that you know you get into a relationship and it's just kind of on auto pilot from their once you. Have the ring on the finger at you know you guys are gonna sail off into the sunset and be happily married forever and that's not the case. Relationships are hard and they take a lot of hard work and it takes daily effort to really be successful in them. Especially when Nike said the an adult socks. And when a million things get thrown at you and you know jobs howl for money he would just outside factors you can't control VE yeah I can be really overwhelming which is why these tips are our great. A movie nine year to number seven. Laughed together Cuba have track. I'm just can't have them here for the contest but you laugh Patrick. Soul laughed together what would you just mean going to see a funny movie here. Yeah I mean life this seriously is like you decide life socks and we need to find ways to laugh and need to find ways just a kind of blow off some steam mean there. Thousands if not millions of just hilarious YouTube videos and important some my personal favorites people falling over and hurting themselves. You know just being able to laugh with your partner about stupid things like that can just kind of lighten the mood and kind of let go whatever stress it is that you. Guys have and no we're talking about relationships here with your significant other. But even bringing kids kids still heavy stuff too we've bought a man live book just for fun at a hobby store. About a year ago and rips after the young man lives are Arabia villain the sentence you pick a subject you picked a verb he picked an ounce. And week racked up doing it because we come up with these crazy. Sentences and only made any sense at all that completely ridiculous. And it's been really fun way to kind of like you said just. Stop talking all the nonsense do something altogether yet so that's that's a fun little family thing that and that we we enjoy doing oh he's our house. On number eight. Watch your words a legacy interactive. Exactly I mean because I I am very I get very emotional has been very logical and I will react with the motion sometimes and this is just fine you say watch your words because I know I sometimes can just lie off the handle. And actually that you know the the fighting fair peace and you know using the words when you're getting into an argument that that's a whole other podcasts podcast that we can do right I'm sure it has got to play fair we're doing that for the next back yes Hans good. You out watching your words being really really purposeful with what you're saying hi you say it. We never really take the time to express ourselves in a way that really adequately gets across we want to first house. You know so it's one of those things and you kind of say something to sort of off the cuff and in passing in and seeing a couple of hours later it's like oh that's not how I meant to say and you wonder why your spouse is mad at you. It's just being really really careful and taking. You know some time out your day or even just taking an entire day in. Really watching what you say hi you say it and try and be as positive or as loving as you can with the words such. Yeah I'm well sad. Number nine try and new activity together in this would be a great way to spice up that definitely we talked about earlier we can oftentimes get into ruts with that as well. You know we're gonna go to the same movie theater and do the same thing we're gonna always going to dinner and have a drink afterwards and then go home. Try something new spice it up variety is the spice of life so try at cooking class together go out to a new festival you guys have never been to. Walk a different route than what you normally would try something different and don't be afraid to experiment and see what works. Well and it's kind of what team building has for businesses and they take people sort of out of the office and there are. And coming up here or work we have a pontoon boat Dane were already pungent volunteer work. I just that you were talking and thinking that's a great thing to do with a significant others you'll just do something completely different not the same. The same routine and such that's a great suggestion and then number ten for your attentive to get your relationships are back. Make a top ten list I'd I'd argue we're talking about this what does this one. I'm big on lists all my clients know this I make it lists for all kinds of things and make them do that for homework and stuff like that. But make a top ten most about the top ten things you love about your partner you know could be you know the things that first attracted you to them. You know the little quirks about them that you actually love in the things it does make you giggle like little school girl. Those are the things are awesome and it gives you a chance to remember the positives and the good things that you have with them. Yet he did fall in love with them for a reason it's not just afloat the year in this relationship and your together. Now this question may be too big for you to answer but I'm thinking of certain. Couples that I know Miley personally or the listeners ever written in that there's one person that. Particular I know all that wants to work on their relationship whether any resistance from their spouse then that's a spouse is just like everything's fine now Toni TO. That happens a lot what do you say to someone like that. Well I heard they start disagree question contact Patrick show they want to counselor doctor. That's that's first and foremost absolute yeah no but. Oftentimes that defensiveness or you pretend like there's not a problem is just a way to avoid dealing with that. A lot of people are really afraid to acknowledge that their relationship has problems because they're afraid of what that means that. That means we have to go talk to couples counselor and I have to talk about emotions and all that stuff and yes some of that is true. Couples counseling has changed a lot from how what was yours are going what you people see on TV and things like that. A lot of it is about just trying to increase communication and changed. What we do because we all deserve to be happy positive relationships are loving. Hearing things like that and if there's an issue that doesn't mean that it's bad there's something wrong with it it just means we got some things to change and work. And there is a stigma still that if you're going to couples counseling well this one's done this relationships over yet. The there's a lot of people I'm sure that you work with. That maybe don't even have a huge problem they just wanna work on things in fact there's a girl went to high school left. Was losing nor shall she informed me that she and her. Now husband and a married for twelve years have two kids. These started when a couples counseling for their pre requisite before they were married and they never stopped. They never stopped and she said we just enjoy it so they have to go in they know they've gone accounts points as the for the relationship but now in the marriage. It's not a bad tool is just to kind of keep up with things it's a way of kind of checking in and making sure that everything's kind of on par and even keel. So it's great idea just to you know connect with the couple's house or just learn how to communicate better make sure that there are no big issues that are being missed and just really taken that time to. Fail proof your marriage. Because sometimes that those issues about talked about can start to build anger and resentment and then the walls start coming up and it's hard to break down those walls. I would imagine you policy a lot of that too. Absolutely you know somebody says Waltz not a big deal we'll just deal with the later oh we'll talk about the Slater well later never comes and before you know what five years are passing you guys have grown further and further apart. And at that point that it's like whoa now it seems like the marriage is and you will be saved but if you had intervened by years ago. Gascon have been on hold from place. I'm sure you're probably often very optimistic and look to do for a living you were with couples and you you need to be optimistic. Have you ever looked at couples and said I don't think this marriage can be faxed her this ice I say marriage a lot of people are long term committed relationships but do you ever. Say that oh absolutely I mean if we really we give it a goal and we say you know we've tried everything here you guys have to kind of decide. Is that something that you want to just walk away for. And I mean that's part of the couple's counseling process as well as really sitting down and if you guys have chosen to separate. Sometimes just having that neutral third party there to help you guys kind of both walk away. Without any animosity without any hatred that can also be really really helpful do you ever wonder what the conversations are like and the current home after the Saddam IKEA I do. I do I mean I use of their homework and things to be on so I'm hoping that they're doing that yeah but no it is. If there's a conversation that's happening on the way home that means we did something right and means that we connected and we got something to work and that's giving you guys something to work. Patrick I money in everything you're saying because this is always been an interest on my all and I really am very interested in relationships and what makes people tick and what make relationships work and things like that. So much to have you back at fifty shades of K but. I'm sure there's people listen to this that are going to be interested and want to reach out to you and we have everything linked up at 99 won the mixed dot com. Well you cannot just go online it's a Milwaukee counselor dot com Patrick Schultz licensed professional counselor. What do you specialize in on me geez specialize in. What if it's a couple that experienced a loss of a child or Blended Families or do you have anything that you specialize in I really infertility years. And yeah and ports I don't do anything with infertility that's a whole separate issue but I mean I can deathly give you guys some resources if you're anxious and feel free to reach out to me. But my specialty is really working on you know couples and marriage premarital counseling. Increasing intimacy increasing communication things like that. That's great tactically be back I would love to be back Lovett thanks so much for being in and they saw it you enjoy this podcast and you want your more make sure to subscribes to can be updated when there's a new episode. So to subscribe to podcasts on your Smartphone. Open your podcast app. Or you lose your Google play app in the search backs tight end at fifty shades of K. Now the fifties spelled out so it's 50. Shades of K once the podcast comes up click on it and then hit the subscribe button and it has always give any comments or suggestions for the podcast. Feel pretty email me at Elizabeth Kay radio at That's Elizabeth K a Y radio at Thanks for listening.