Ask a Pro: Couple's Counselor Patrick Schultz answers YOUR relationship questions

Monday, June 25th

Can a relationship survive after infidelity? Do you want to get professional help, but your partner doesn’t? Do you feel like you can’t even talk to your spouse without a fight?

Today’s “Ask a Pro” episode is with professional couple’s counselor Patrick Schultz. He’s back on "50 Shades of Kay" answering your Facebook questions and talking about an intensive couples retreat coming to Milwaukee this November.

To schedule an appointment with Patrick, visit MilwaukeeCounselor.com

To view the “DEAR MAN” worksheet, visit MilwaukeeCounselor.com/

00:25:16

Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

Harry's struggle lean in your relationship are you feeling resentful angry overwhelms you feel like you're walking on egg cells that are maybe there's been an infidelity well in today's ask the pro episode. I'm talking with the return guest couples counselor Patrick Schultz and we're going to answer some of your face the questions that you sent to us about your relationship. Let's get started. You're listening to the fifty shades of Pitt podcast with host Elizabeth K a podcast designed to empower enlighten and entertain with perspective that most women are. Gang but not always saying. This is fifty shades of K. Thanks to being here Patrick thinks or have me get it's great to be here. Well we are here to help people their relationship right that's what you do and we were just talking in a second ago when I started recording I was messing with the levels and Patrick so an irony wanna begin to know what it is that you're doing over there and I said Patrick look at your job I dark. I didn't so much credit for our. What would you do to your passionate about helping people and you really optimistic about relationships absolutely so today what we did is we put this up there on FaceBook or ask a pro you could submit a question. The senate privately which many of you did. So many messages we received we did change the names here sell just say you know and Allen's real names are gonna be used and we kind of tweaks some of the details a little bit just so they can respect people's privacy. But we also had. A huge amount of messages sent about infidelities so when it comes to that topic which are going to address about relationships moving forward after infidelity. Are gonna kind of had to be a broad question but again if you want one I want couples counseling and reach out to Patrick Schultz because he's the expert he can really offer some great resources for you to help your relationship. And we're also that talk about it this intensive couples retreat that you're doing in November to do wanna get to that right away let's that's covered out what is second could be the intensive couples. Retreats yes so what that's gonna be as some kind of install the early stages of it but we're framing it out to be a very intensive weekend. A lot of one on one couples counseling I should be paired up with a therapist say he'll work with for the whole weekend. There'll be a lot of group therapy work in a learning different skills how to communicate saw a lot of things that we're gonna talk about today. Just done a very intimate kind of close setting given you chance to learn about each other and kind of rekindle that relationship and. That's great and the information is gonna be a Milwaukee counselor dot com it well on Aminopterin the next month or so which again we will link up at 99 won the mixed dot com but let's start ups your web. Is it's a good time for couples to go to couples counseling when they know that it's time to contact deal. Usually it's way too late by the time they actually realize that they need to go to couples counseling. Hall may think we talked about this before but the average before someone actually seeks out couples counseling is six years after problems first started six years six years and a lot of built up anger and resentment improbably. Grow and those six years all have so I would I would imagine and that's emigrate Segway actually into the first question we're gonna get to that Marisa sent us at FaceBook. Basically her question why is and she and her boyfriend are. They're not married their boyfriend girlfriend they've been together for a couple years. And in the beginning of the relationship she said that their views were the same and she talks specifically about their face and their religion they were raised with two different religions. And now that they are looking to go further in the relationship like marriage. She is sort of concerned that these believes are going to become a problem especially when it comes to raising children and things like that so. What do you suggest. Well again a lot of what we're gonna talk about throughout. You know many of these answers today is just communication communication communication. It's OK to have differences of opinion as far as religious views or beliefs you know thoughts and raising kids things like that marriage is about compromise that's what relationships are. So it's a matter of just being willing to have some of those open conversations and don't have to accept what your partners view is on religion or anything like happened you have to at least be able to respect it. And let them have their viewing US figure out how to work together with that. That's a great answer okay so let's get to some other questions here TO. Infidelity let's just jump right Daniel Cabrera and a lot of questions. And two different types of questions kind of came out of the infidelity masters that we received. For example there were quite a few people that message to specifically they were women from we know women cheat also but. They were women seen at their husbands have cheated on them how can they learn to trust again and can the relationship be saved that's going to be the first part we're gonna dress. And then the other part that I'm going to ask you. I received messages from men and women. That are now in new relationships. But we're cheated on in the past and are now so having trust issues with their new partner who selected to the first one there's been infidelity. Even chief downing your relationship. It's all out in the open you've chose to stay with that person but how can you build that trust again. Well I mean really first piece of it is just in this is what we were doing a couples counseling session really is. Finding out what led to the cheating was it lack of sex was it just not feeling connected with their resentment that was coming out from your partner was there. Just kind of a drifting apart as a lot of people tend to do over the years. So really beginning to understand what actually led to data fair or that you know. And whatever it wise. Then the next piece is really getting each partner to own their piece of it. So many times one person you are usually the one that. Heather partnered cheating was the one that wants them to own everything it's their fault they're the one that cheated but you know all that you have a part in that relationship so it's a matter of owning your own piece of it if it is not communicating enough or. Lack of sex drive things like that it's giving each partner to own their piece of it and be ovals are working with that. And then the next part is really sitting down together and identifying in the green on the terms of what this relationship is gonna be moving forward. Pulled the citing your what is the healing can look like what you need from the relationship in order to have it be successful going forward. And then both making the commitment that you're actually gonna stick to what you guys are talking about. Yet and I feel like sometimes a fear of people is that if they for GA and it means at its Spanish foreign gotten and sometimes. Couples will put people through a life sentence so to speak yet where there's constantly these reminders of the mistake and that. Correct me ever Mariah is not gonna move. Relationship forward now because then you're always going to be on edge waiting for the next attack to come of how many times you can throw this in my face I said I'm sorry we've talked about this were working on yeah that trust again. But you're never gonna have. That commitment that connection if you're constantly on edge about when the next attack is gonna come right and do you think there's an average time that someone can get over infidelity have you found. That I made there isn't. I think every couple is different it depends on you know if there was a one time thing purses a year longer more affair mean share each of them neither one of them is good but. The longer it's going on the more secrets the more lies the more cover ups. The harder can be get over the looking back on everything that happened and do you feel like the people in this relationship that there was chief dean need to be completely transparent. I think so I mean there is part of what we do in the the couple's counseling sessions especially dealing with infidelity is looking at. Is letting the person who found out about the cheating ask any question that they want to within reason of the affair the details on men. And I mean we we temper that and I optimal ask my clients you know are you sure you really wanna know that answer I mean yes you have the right to ask him but are you sure you wanna hear the nitty gritty details of what your partner to. I think when people are angry because I was cheated on a past relationship I think you're angry you do you wanna know everything to him but then you're looking back when things kind of calmed down on. I can see from my experience I'd buy dinner one and all the details I just did and I did at the time but. That did not help me at all and that relationship because they tell my past. That certain bar I would be reminded of what would happen and it really it didn't help me move on that was just my personal experience. But I can see why some people wanna know all the information. Now what about the people that asked us the questions. That they are and a new relationship. They moved past the person that they were cheated on her cheated with or what have you but they're still having trust issues. I think that's a very common one as well I mean you know the once burned twice shy kind of an idea yes and there really what you have to ask yourself is is my current significant other cheating on me I mean are they the ones that caused that pain to begin with. In this the answer is no hole. Then you need to be willing to kind of let that goal and really focus on the new relationship especially if you're saying that their trust worthy and their loyal and the care but she deeply. He need to give them to the benefit of the doubt to prove otherwise. And that might mean individual therapy to that because that it's almost like you're looking at that new person as the face of your pain when they get caught do you the pain right there at their fair. So by default they get the wrath of it exactly. And couples counseling actually can happen on an individual level as well you know we'll talk about this here. Okay I'm some couples you know one person release committed to it and wants to get help the other ones like I really want nothing to do with this. But so much good can be done with even one person seeking help in getting someone to talk to and get some perspective. And sometimes that leads the other person actually being willing to come in and see that person as well and we are gonna get to that in a second here because there are some specific questions here about if one person wants to get help the other person doesn't what do you do but I wanna tribal in this infidelity. And it's are evil seeking help for that. Do you feel that people can get past infidelity Canon relationship work afterwards absolutely and you've seen it happen I have. I have seen it happen it takes a lot of hard work and it takes a lot of time. I mean it's not a quick 123 sessions and you guys move on and live happily ever after it's a lot of work in a lot of you know. Constant reminders and checking yourself and looking at we are your you know where you're going with things and making sure that the communication is open but trust absolutely can be earned again do you think once a cheater always a cheater. Hopefully not hopefully that person learn their lesson the first summer on the the pain in the the agony of it is not worth it but. It's it's entirely possible yeah that's that's that's that's safe answer cavs gotta I gotta put you on the spot at this one. I'll put. All relationships are different ant right people can change and grow sometimes their mistakes and sometimes people don't it can it's it's you have to do what's right for you and again this is why sometimes seeing a counselor professional can really help because. You can kind of work through. All the is really tough situations. Okay thank you Patrick right let's stick to one of these questions that we kind of just touched on here a second ago. We had quite a few people must adjust that a gamma gonna put the sun or just the umbrella of one person wants to get the help and go to couples counseling and the other person does not to have what do you do in that case. This topic if it's kind of very circumstantial depending on the couple on the relationship and what's going on. Oftentimes a place to start would be going you know just yourself finding therapists they can talk to just getting some perspective for yourself of what's going on in you being able to only your piece of it. But that also helping formulate up awaited talk to your partner about why this is important TU. Why you want them to come into couples counseling with few what you feel it would be the perceived benefits either on your own or again with kind of helpful that there is helping you figure that out. But really being able to explain to them what your concerns are because that's building that foundation of open communication and letting them know what it is that you want from them. Agree dancer Sara asked she said that she and her husband and get a for ten years and he still refuses to help around the house it's always a constant battle between us. He'll do the outside work when it comes to inside he will do everything to avoid it how to get amnesty that it isn't just in my house. It's funny that you guys bring up the chores peace because I actually have a email series that I send out to people that sign up on my website. Which is the top ten things that couples fight about him what to do bottom. All thought I think Taurus is number six number seven somewhere right in there but it's it's a big one that comes awful lot. So what do you recommend what what can she do to get him to see that it's not suggest. Her house well one thing to look at this take a look at your own expectations you know Sarah find out why you are expecting of him in are you expecting him to do more than than what you're doing. You know this isn't the 1950s beaver cleaver type of household anymore aware of the house ways stays at home and cooks cleans and does all that the man goes to work and then comes home to speed up. No marriages now days are very much 5050 and it's a lot of give and take. So you just kind of have to decide together what are those chores that you absolutely loved to do that you don't mind doing unloading the dishwasher things like that. And what are those terms that you absolutely hate and you despise in you will not touch with a ten foot pole. Then you guys can sit down and decide who's gonna do what and you know bolts look at the ones that you like to do and then kind of come up those ones at its release and doesn't matter either way who does it. Then you guys can have an equal stake in doing what actually needs to be done and it's not left with the situation or one person does everything right to one side of the house and. Right well and you talk about people wait six years on average until they come and see you. Interesting that she sent us a message and they've been together for ten years and you can tell on. Maybe it's time has seek out professional help for that if she's feeling a little bit resentment hair and we had a lot of questions. Talking about dean and dean Napster's. Like Backus specifically set how do you. Handle being an empty Nester because she and her husband. Have been raising their kids for 22 years now they're kind of stuck with any each other like I don't know you you know right now me were completely strangers and that may sound kind of romantic just some people earlier starting over. A lot of the matches you received it wasn't like that they really are just like were were roommates living under the same roof what do we do how we connect pretty we start. Scary because you kind of Lucy self overtime. You know you you put so much energy and effort into raising your kids in getting them out of the house and being successful that you don't put the same energy effort into the marriage and now you're left. Looking at lake on my goodness I don't even know who this person has anymore. The best advice that I can get just real briefly and that is just start to DeDe again. Treat it like you're just meeting them for the very first time to your wanting to know who this person has because 22 years is a long time and a lot of things can change in that. Likes and dislikes things like that's a take the time just to date each other again. Take turns playing the gates. Basically meet them all over again and decide is this person that I like. Damn I guess you kind of due to start over because you are different people now at this point and it's not a bad thing because you know you're alert you're going into that next phase of life which is. You're optimistic listening yeah I got that it's not a bad thing to have someone living under the same roof with you when you're sharing a bathroom with that you don't nobody got to get to know. The kind of exciting it absolutely it could be kind of fun. And you guys get to decide kind of how you want the next face to be so much energy goes into your kids. That now you get to start putting energy into each other and entry in assert your dreams and aspirations outside of kid. Outside of Kansas. Robin's question and I would like to get my husband more engaged. She said I've been pretty much waiting on him for 22 years growing tired of it. He never helps with meal planning yet complained he isn't a fan of everything I cook and I cook from scratch. He's been growing upsets it sounds like he's very irritable. She said I've three teenagers who adore me how because they do most of their care I feel alone. So much he will only communicate when he wants to talk I love him but I need more help. Pretty common thing is all that I hear a lot of and really one of the first questions that I don't have as well what what does that more engagement look at what do you want from him what does that mean for you. And being able to explicitly tell that to him exactly what is that you looking for. Actually a something that would that I want to follow up with that. Is a really good thing to take away from mass. Be clear with what you want because it for someone that's already disengaged to say I want you to be more president might be more engaged. Are you say mainly BS specific to say I want to cell phone nowhere near the kitchen table over eating dinner and that's a you're talking that specific rights. Because I mean unless you're telling them specifically what it is that you want from them. They're never gonna know I mean I hate to say this but guys are pretty oblivious to things like that at times. And having something very explicitly stated can be really really helpful for the entire relationship. There's a worksheet on my website called dear man in such an acronym. And and actually is a way to spell out exactly what it is that your money from that person and why that is going to be a benefit to them to do what it is that your STD. Your man yapping we're gonna definitely be clicking on Matt. Again Milwaukee counselor dot com if you wanna find that an easy. I have a resource is tab right Emma what's that should be right underneath there's so go there yeah that's that's I mean we we understand these people aren't sitting here in front of us are kind of giving broad answers to these questions but hopefully it's offering some insights some of you listening in May be going through some. Tough spots at the year relationship. I Chelsea's said it would counseling doesn't seem to be helping him. What do you recommend she has been happening counseling for six months why you're not seen Patrick that's. No I'd get Keating Chelsea I give you a lot of credit and for both of you for going to lie to counseling there's no shame in that. But she said the counselors reliant on the book the seven principles of making marriage work. And she said it's the good book. But my husband is find difficult to work on the second principle which asks you to focus on a positive thoughts about your spouse instead of negative ones. She's a homemaker with four children. And he does not feel wanted or loved and says he never had guys. Wow that's a lot going on there with that and so she says howdy recommends. Commit to my husband to see a counselor on his own for his depression. And that's kind of something that we mention about individual counseling and there are a lot of people. So many people now are going through. You know these. There'd been some me public suicides have happened from Mandy board game dictates Spain. What do you recommend that they've been in counseling and maybe he needs some one on one counseling. I think there's two pieces to that that we can touch on and we can talk about the first piece of you know his depression and what he's struggling with ideally the couple's concert should be seeing some of that as well. In gunpoint and what I like to do is and meet with the couple for the first time to kind of get a sense of what the relationship is looking like you know how they argue. What their concerns are with their worries are in you know some basic goal setting but I also take the next two sessions to meet with each person individually. To assess for their own side of things that are there maybe some underlying mental health needs that need attention on their own. And then Iowa halt kind of put them in the the right direction you do need to see an individual therapist who talked to on your own. And in this case with her already having a resource like a counselor may be perhaps among those one on one session the Adams and she can say I really think he needs to see someone on. On his own team record some of some of his struggles. I genie is question and she has been with her boyfriend for 22 years. And you said the relationship is great leader of ups and downs but the main issue is their sex life. And she said she's had a hysterectomy twelve years ago and her sex life has gone down the hill. And she said she's fine if she doesn't even have Sachs. But she's really worried about what this means for their relationship he's starting to be concerned that she might be cheating because he's no longer having sex with him. So how could she get her drive back. And this is deathly a great question for your own reaching land the Serbia a good place to start I mean it sounds like talking in the mob may be some hormone replacement therapy or something like that because that's a pretty common thing that a lot of people talk about after hysterectomy especially. Is you know that loss of sex drive of what was once there yeah unsold there's some medical intervention second half would be done to help with that. On to some other things that you could maybe look at would be your talking your partner about changing positions. In home deathly using Lou there's a possibility. On roll plays you know different things that you maybe haven't tried before to see if back kind of adds that spark in their butt. For sake deathly wanna talk your doctor can section beatle. And is that what you recommend for couples that do come in do you and say OK our our sex drives are not matching not because that does happen a lot I mean your bodies change your hormones change life changes. Especially for friends of mine to have these young kids there. The exhausted from everything the kids need from them they have they have no energy I mean. That I'm sure happens a lot in mean people don't want to then lead to cheating which can sometimes happen because sex needs are being met him so does that kind of what you recommend for people like sic Don talk about what it is that you want. Mean you've held in the schedule a sex dates. I yes I would absolutely tell people that actually come put on the calendar and eSATA on your iPhone and you know you point blank put on their sex at this time on this day. And then you know when it's gonna be in Europe it serves kind of a purpose and may seem rather odd to schedule Sachs and but. It also can build up a little bit of excitement too because you know what's on the calendar you know have something to look forward to and that can actually increase the arousal and make you. Want to eat and yes to it right even though it may seem like OK it's another calendar appointment while it's not exactly the meeting with your possibly they shouldn't be. But yes maybe that's something that people can definitely do it okay let's see here we've got a couple more questions here. Brian asked. This is another one that we received on a lot of people. Are busy raising kids with special needs or perhaps are taking care of their parents. That I have some health issues and Brian specifically said howdy hold things together when both kids. Have muscular dystrophy. Require constant care Brian. Yeah what do you what do you say when when that happens. And that's tough any time you're dealing with the no physical health issues like me a muscular dystrophy and you know. Mental health issues like on autism and kids on autism spectrum and things like that is very taxing on relationships because you know a lot of of different things he had to kind of keep track companies can definitely you know. Take a poll on that the relationship. Often times what people can do is speaking utilized you know respite care. On there are respite care facilities that are available for you know kids behavioral health issues there you know I'm sure their respite facilities that are available for you know people with you know. Various physical ailments and things like that. You know scheduling in your personal care workers to come in and kind of attend to the needs of the kids while maybe you guys actually schedule on a date night and caught for a couple of hours stop much but it can be. Something especially for doing it fairly regularly once month or couple times a month especially with with those significant of these going on. That can be a great way to kind of just escape for a little bit has some time to connecting decompress and not have to be sole focus on the K it's time. Yeah and you know maybe making up a rule to that when you are on that date night whether it's just. A quick fifteen minute walk in the neighborhood is just the two of you to really make it about the two of you. Yeah and that's at an exercise I don't to a couple's very often is especially if there's kind of been that loss of communication overtime. Is ten minutes every day you know each person brings a topic to the table that is completely unrelated to the the relationship to home life things like that. And it could be you know pop culture types of things that could be the latest headline that you saw on the journal sentinel whenever it is. Just bringing something else to talk about in learning about your partner and what their views are on things down a great way. Yeah. The tactic it's always so fun talking with you I know the topic today is as heavy but you do you offer a lot of great insight into it and it's. Else seems so achievable and you really are just such an optimist about relationships which is why your great person to talk to. And again you can reach Patrick at Milwaukee counselor dot com it's on to eat a lot of great resource is on that is the website as well and the intensive couples retreat. You said you're a limited to about six couples. Up it's going to be very small to rev up a few tricks up our sleeve that were coming up what to make a pretty exciting for people. But really we wanna help couples this kind of rediscover themselves reconnect and just learn how to be good couple again it's a couple days NBA we're looking at doing like a Friday night for kind of a cocktail hour kind of a meeting Greek it's no years in each other that you're going to be there with as well sitting down with your therapist and kind of talking them vocal setting for the weekend. And then Saturday morning comes and organs are working right away. And some want to send your message directly what's your email for passive and get a hold I can go to my website it's Patrick Schultz at Milwaukee counselor dot com the web site as Milwaukee council dot com you can connect with yet FaceBook. Again Milwaukee counselor pretty self explanatory as any of those places you can get home. And for all of you that sent us messages thank you so much for doing that hopefully this will offer you some help and give you some hope that your relationship we'll get on the right path. Patrick can you come back out I ask every time because I certainly love talking with the election think he's so much for being here appreciate it thanks for having me. This is then the fifty shades of tape podcast with host Elisabeth say if you enjoyed this episode chair with a friend make sure to subscribe on iTunes and leave the revealed thanks for listening.
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